Yesterday, I went to the bathroom. It was a nice bathroom. The toilet paper was extra soft. It was Lambi. The bathroom was all blue with pretty lightning and a nice little sweet tablecloth on the bathroom’s table. The toilet was marked with a stamp from Ikea. I bet the swedish woman, Greta Ohlsson brought this toilet from Sweden. That evil woman, with her swedish meatballs and spaeaeaetekacka.
Later on today, I ate beef. The beef was delicious, delightful, ambrosial, appetizing, heavenly, luscious and mouthwatering! I didn’t leave a tip because they’re all beneath me, and the beef wasn’t even that good. The aftertaste was abominable.
I met Dr. Constantine the other day, he is a bad man and should feel bad. He even took my chocolate. I almost pulled my gun on him. The chocolate was special to me, it was a chocolate egg, my first invention. The interesting thing about my invention was that it was a toy inside of the egg. But no, Constantine had to take it. This train is full of peasants. Even the conductor, Luis Henry didn’t leave a chocolate bar on my pillow after making my bed.
When I went to bed, I was stabbed. And I died. After my death, they found a handkerchief with the letter H on it. Which is extremely strange and interesting, because my name does not start with the letter H. The letter H could be alot of things. For example, it could mean Huge Half-Human Hears Heroic Horse Help Hippo. It could also be the first letter of a name. They also found a pipe cleaner, and I don’t even clean pipes! This is the work of Dr. Constantine, no doubt. He likes to smoke, and stole my chocolate egg. We are rivals for life, until he ended mine.
I shall avenge my chocolate egg.
I think you should focus a little more on your character and not all of the details like ''It was Lambi''. Random things in the text like that is ruining it by first being a pretty serious text and then just writing something weird.
SvaraRaderaOtherwise the text is good with nice explanation and you can see there is a theme in your story, good.
Like jack said it's to much details and you could be a more serious. But i think it's a good text but you could have more evidence why Dr. Constantine is the murderer.
SvaraRaderaYou have described many small things in the surrounding and I like the humor cause it is something that goes on in the whole text and not just like two short jokes. Maybe the text could be a little longer and as Jack said, you could have a little more info who you are. Daniel was also right when he thought that you could make more reasons why you think it is Dr. Constantine
SvaraRaderaAnd It was good that you seperated the parts of the text so it was easier to read.
RaderaYour grammar and spelling and all of that stuff is flawless. I liked the text, but maybe you could have been a little more serious. Although it was quite funny, it was too much random details and too little evidence and seriousness. Next time you could write a silly text again, but still include a lot of serious things. That would be perfect.
SvaraRaderaI also liked how you gave you character a lot of personality by writing like this.
Interesting story where you have a lot of details that not have with the story to do but it makes the story funnier and you use a lot of synonyms that makes the text better and not so boring.
SvaraRaderaYou have a good structure where you start with the unnecessary details and at the end you say who the murderer is and why but you could have some detail at the beginning and write more about why it was he that was the killer.
You use a good language where you know where to put period and you don't use so many long sentences that makes it not so boring to read.